Feeling Lost? Try Being More Curious About Yourself

Have you ever been surprised by yourself? Maybe you said something you didn't expect to say, or reacted to something in a way that you couldn't have predicted.

"There are often things going on with us, [and] reasons and causes behind how we think and feel that are not so apparent," says licensed clinical social worker Matt Lundquist, LCSW, MSED. 

Being curious about our inner workings, and eager to understand where our thoughts and actions come from, can help us understand ourselves better and grow.

For example, if you want to build new habits, such as working out, cutting back on alcohol, or eating more fresh foods, but find yourself repeatedly failing to live up to your own expectations, then it may be time to take a curious approach to your relationship with your goals. You can begin to understand why you want to set new habits, why you're failing, and how to work better with yourself to do what you want.

Give yourself permission to surprise yourself—and then interrogate the surprise, according to Lundquist.

"When you're surprised, reexamine to say, 'Oh, that's interesting,'" Lundquist says. "I don't think of myself as the kind of person that does that. And yet here I am doing that."

Sometimes, there's a divide between what we intend to do and what we actually do, Lundquist says, driven by obstacles within ourselves that we may or may not understand.

Curiosity is stifled by rash judgments. When you're examining your behavior, try to separate your opinion from your curiosity. The best approach is neutrality.

It isn't always easy to know what we want (or don't want). But when we find ourselves feeling unfulfilled and like we don't really enjoy our day-to-day lives, it might be time to wonder: Is it because I'm not doing much that I find personally fulfilling or enjoyable?

If you continue to carry items over from your to-do list to new days without doing them, for example, Lundquist says that might be an opportunity to examine your relationship with those tasks. Or if you're feeling stressed about an upcoming family vacation, maybe you need to interrogate your relationship with specific family members so you learn how to deal with them more effectively.

Licensed therapists can aid your self-curiosity by listening to you and asking the right questions for self-discovery.